The last few weeks have felt a blur. We had the lovely experience of traveling to visit friends and as always the visit felt too short, then after a short stint spending time with family we headed home. That was two weeks ago but I feel like I’m still recovering. I’ve finally caught up with the practicals, like laundry. Two of the three kids had a bout of short lived high fevers. We finally had a plumbing problem repaired, only to realize hubby could probably have done himself (he had already tried but apparently he was close). Then the kids started a two week VBS, normally this is a great break for me. But instead I’m feeling drained from hauling them to and from each day.
It may be the sugar I’m giving up or the lack of coffee since my coffee maker broke or something else entirely. But I am exhausted. Even the comfort that usually comes with sleeps is denied me. It takes me hours to wake up and then I’m tired by afternoon and I slog through the evening, feeling guilty all the while for what I’m not getting done.
I’m feeling the pressure of impending homeschool documentation deadlines, ministry and leadership responsibilities not to mention the usual daily tasks of keeping everyone fed, clothed and alive. In the past this would have been a time of high anxiety, fortunately I don’t feel that anxious, but I am weary, in body and apparently in soul as well. Many of my deeper books have been set to the side because I can’t focus. I plow forward on the ones I promised to review, sometimes uncertain if I really disagree with the author or if I just can’t comprehend the concepts.
I know I need to find a way to rest, all the usual outlets have been mostly denied to me and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I’m not buying anything unnecessary for a month and I’m taking a pantry challenge, thus tightening up our grocery budget. (You’ll hear more about this later). I’ve given up sugar, and unintentionally cut way back on coffee (a broken coffee maker will do that to you). Exercise usually helps me feel energized but now I drag my body through the motions. I can blame it on the low sugar diet, the hot and humid weather or hormones, but none the less I am left with only two things to sustain me; sleep and Jesus. (Have I mentioned that my quality of my sleep hasn’t been great lately either?).
Yes it sound cliché, even I think that. But it’s also true. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just putting one foot in front of the other, praying my way from moment to moment and hoping that tomorrow will be better.
Right after I wrote this post I ran to drop my kids off at VBS and this song was playing on the radio as I drove home, in the rain, feeling like I had nothing left to get me through today, even though it was only 9 AM. It felt especially appropriate.