I thought that if I made different choices I could have saved myself from this. Then I started reading the work of women different from me. They had teaching ministries and high performing careers outside the home. Yet, they too were struggling with the big questions. Why am I here and how do I really love? I’ve been going through my own purpose of life debates. Wondering if some how the choices I’ve made are going to get in the way of me becoming who I’m meant to be, of not fulfilling or even coming close to my potential.
After years of being an overachiever, I married young, worked mostly meaningless jobs to pay the bills and then became a stay at home mom. I’m not one of those super woman stay at home moms either. My kids rarely do craft, when we do they are never Pinterest-worthy. I don’t bake with them often, because it usually ends in yelling and mess. Needless to say I won’t be winning any awards for most fun mommy. I thought that some how my choices would mean that God couldn’t use me, that I no longer had any “real” work to do for his Kingdom beyond wiping noses and bottoms.
But that was a lie, and it continues to be a lie that I face daily. Because yes, the things I do every day with and for my children are part of the work of the gospel. But also, everyone has these kinds of existential questions at some point. If I had taken on a high powered career, had children at a different time or not at all, I would still have come to this place. We all must face the questions of what were we born for and what are me meant to do.
Right now that means realizing that what I do is only part of who I am. I look at my 17 month old son. He offers no concrete work or objective function. (In fact he makes more work for me.). But he is adorable and winsome and makes my heart glad. Who he is, is enough. I’m coming to terms (again) with the fact that I am loved for who I am.
But I also know that I was created with work to do. I have this deep fear that some how I will miss that work. That on this long and winding road of life I will veer left when I should have gone right and end up off course, missing out on wherever God wants me to be. I often questions my choices and decisions (many of which are joint decisions which affect the separate but complementary callings of my husband and me, and our family). I haven’t figured it all out yet. It’s all part of my acceptance of the process and the journey, which goes against my personality that likes to check things off the list. But I’m also realizing the peace that comes with that acceptance. Knowing that I have a purpose, even if I don’t know exactly what it is or what it will look like in the future, has to be enough for now.