I was laying in bed last night when the full gravity of it hit me. 14 years this May. I’m so used to saying it, thinking it, that I don’t think I grasped how monumental that is. 14 years is a long time.
I was warned that it would be like this, that the further along in life you go time seems to speed up. In some ways I feel like I’m in the sweet spot for that. The days don’t drag by like they did when I was a kid. Things that are just a couple years away don’t feel like such a long time to wait. (Of course I’ve also learned how fast things can change in just a year).
It has been a rough few months (truthfully a rough last two years). A hard pregnancy and delivery, medication adjustments, work transition, major renovation followed by a full house move and becoming landlords. Little of it looks like I thought it would and yet there are bits of the impossible. It seemed like we would never have a bigger house and yet now we do. It seemed as though student loan debt would follow us forever, and while debt free living is still a few years away, it feels closer and more attainable than in the past.
But in all the important happenings of these years, I don’t want to lose us. 14 years since I told this man “For better or for worse.” We’ve definitely had our fair share of both. Growing a small human four times over, and trying to find myself again afterwards each time. Dreaming, giving up on dreams, and yet still returning to them again. What I’ve always wanted most is to create a safe home, a space between us that keeps us connected. A force field of sorts that keeps both the bad, and sometimes even the good from separating us from each other.
I want him to know that I hope in him, believe the best about him (sometimes despite evidence to the contrary) and can’t imagine the years ahead without him. This husband of mine celebrated a birthday this week, and while it wasn’t a major milestone number, the looming big digits ahead seems to bum him out. I think maybe he wonders if he’s doing all he wants to do and being who and what he imagined he wanted to be. But I can only see how far he’s come. 14 years may be a long time, but as I reminded him the other night, he promised me at least 50. So we still have a ways to go. I look forward to the journey.