I’m Being Refined, But I Don’t Enjoy It: Five Minute Friday

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Photo Credit: Domiriel Flickr via Compfight cc

This is the third Five Minute Friday post I’ve attempted in the last three weeks. The others died on the page, not because they weren’t worth sharing but because I couldn’t finish the thought. I expressed my gratitude for the blessing of friends and family who helped us through our recent move. I talked about the process of trying to make this place home. As we approach two weeks of living in this house, I feel as though I’m full words but short on strength.

I’m being refined and I admit I don’t much like the process. Because in my case it looks like kids who fight all day and the merry go round of illnesses that never seem to end. I know that somehow all of this will be used for a purpose. But right now I just want to feel some peace within the storm of chaos. As I look at the walls which are my new home, it’s hard not to see all there is to do. The boxes waiting for shelves to be hung and furniture rearranged so they can be unpacked. The practical considerations like, are my children reacting to the latent pet hair and odor of the house is it just yet another cold. (In either case, what do I do about?)

I can feel the heavy clouds of my old friend anxiety beginning to circle. He is indeed an old friend, one that I managed to leave behind me when I became a parent and whose toxic words and tendrils of mental poison I am usually able to ignore and bat away. So I am back on my knees, as I have been many times before. But this time without the same confidence. I know that once over this mountain I will be stronger. But the part of me that believes this might be one barrier I can’t break through is louder this time.

The winter here cannot decide if it will come or not. Instead we are surrounded by gray and damp and mud. It only seems to feed my uncertainty when things as reliable as the seasons don’t seem to arrive as expected. It feels like an anticipated sleep that will not come. Something my body and mind parallel as well.

So I just pray, and breath and wait and hope that tomorrow will be better. Maybe we won’t all get the stomach bug this time. The house will be under control soon. Focus on potential paint colors and dream of summer evenings watching the sunset from our front porch. I’m searching desperately through the dark night for a star to hold me fast and keep me on course. I know I’ll find my way eventually. But the process makes me tired.

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7 thoughts on “I’m Being Refined, But I Don’t Enjoy It: Five Minute Friday

  1. Oh, I am sorry that you are in a really refining place right now. I pray that your family gets to feeling better soon, and that your new home starts feeling more like home soon too.

  2. It sounds like you are in a tough season and today’s word is really striking a chord in your heart. I pray that this stretching season will conclude with you so much stronger than you even thought you would be on the other side. I pray that you will continue to find strength and vision.

    Dropping by from FMF.
    Blessings – Kelly

  3. i have so been there…many times. just take it one day at a time. i totally agree, the refining process is no fun. the outcome of it, however, is a quality product! blessings. keep plugging along. the work will soon be done ( the work of getting settled, not the work of life:) make sure to take time to enjoy your family during the process so your and their memories of the move will be fun:)
    they won’t remember whether the curtains were all up. they will remember that you took time to play a game or paused to shoot baskets outside and it will make you feel better too:)
    blessings:) i’m at #70.

  4. This is a great post, Bethany. If I’m honest I’m right there with you too. Every winter seems like a battle in my house. Illness and apathy run rampant and it’s hard to feel anchored anywhere. Keep your eyes on God. He knows when you are weak and will uphold you. His strength is sufficient for us in these times. Anxiety is real and can really knock us back a few steps. Surround yourself with positive people who can rally behind you and fly to the rescue when you need them most. I hope you have a better week next week. I’m in the midwest (not sure your location), but it looks like winter will be arriving midweek. Much love ❤

    1. Thanks for your sweet comment. Today feels a bit better. I had a decent night’s sleep and hubby is home to help amend the chaos. I am lucky enough to have some good friends and family nearby, but it is definitely hard to continue asking for help when I feel like I should be ok by now. Just taking it a day, an hour, at a time.

  5. Oh yes, sounds familiar. I’m not always able to have that perspective that things will be better on the other side! But the season of having young kids will certainly not last forever. I’m definitely getting to the point where I feel like I should be done needing help, since my daughter is almost 6 months, but actually I still have a lot of healing to do. And still unpacking from 4 years ago. And wanting to do all those decorating projects to make it feel more like a home. I hope you all feel better soon, and hopefully all that older dust will go away soon. It took us awhile to get the cat hair out of our apartment, but we don’t seem to be as sick these days.

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