This is the third Five Minute Friday post I’ve attempted in the last three weeks. The others died on the page, not because they weren’t worth sharing but because I couldn’t finish the thought. I expressed my gratitude for the blessing of friends and family who helped us through our recent move. I talked about the process of trying to make this place home. As we approach two weeks of living in this house, I feel as though I’m full words but short on strength.
I’m being refined and I admit I don’t much like the process. Because in my case it looks like kids who fight all day and the merry go round of illnesses that never seem to end. I know that somehow all of this will be used for a purpose. But right now I just want to feel some peace within the storm of chaos. As I look at the walls which are my new home, it’s hard not to see all there is to do. The boxes waiting for shelves to be hung and furniture rearranged so they can be unpacked. The practical considerations like, are my children reacting to the latent pet hair and odor of the house is it just yet another cold. (In either case, what do I do about?)
I can feel the heavy clouds of my old friend anxiety beginning to circle. He is indeed an old friend, one that I managed to leave behind me when I became a parent and whose toxic words and tendrils of mental poison I am usually able to ignore and bat away. So I am back on my knees, as I have been many times before. But this time without the same confidence. I know that once over this mountain I will be stronger. But the part of me that believes this might be one barrier I can’t break through is louder this time.
The winter here cannot decide if it will come or not. Instead we are surrounded by gray and damp and mud. It only seems to feed my uncertainty when things as reliable as the seasons don’t seem to arrive as expected. It feels like an anticipated sleep that will not come. Something my body and mind parallel as well.
So I just pray, and breath and wait and hope that tomorrow will be better. Maybe we won’t all get the stomach bug this time. The house will be under control soon. Focus on potential paint colors and dream of summer evenings watching the sunset from our front porch. I’m searching desperately through the dark night for a star to hold me fast and keep me on course. I know I’ll find my way eventually. But the process makes me tired.