Reluctantly Team Blue: Five Minute Friday

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Another boy. I felt a little disappointed but somehow not surprised. It really shouldn’t have mattered to me either way, at least so others continually told me. After all, I already have one of each. But sometimes the heart longs for things that can’t be explained. Even though my daughter continues to be a challenge and everyone keeps assuring me that boys are easier as they get older (something my three year old has yet to prove). But after six years, the boxes of little girl’s clothes in my attic called my name.

It seemed as though almost everyone I know was having girls this time around. Not that it mattered, but it did make the news a bit more painful. There was nor shortage of girls. God just wasn’t sending any my way this time. This was likely to be our last pregnancy, and it hadn’t been easy so far. I wasn’t sure which was worse, my own disappointment or trying to comfort my six year old who had fervently prayed for a girl. A sister or a cousin would do. But neither are forthcoming. Instead at the end of September she will be the only girl with two brothers, and four boy cousins, three of whom live locally.

I told myself that I was fine and that I should be grateful, and I was. But there were some days of mourning where I felt like this was ruining everything. All my plans and hopes for my family. Of course I felt guilty for feeling this way which only make matters worse. But slowly I’m coming to terms with it. I’m starting to imagining myself with another baby boy. (I can’t yet picture myself as the mother of boys, plural. I think that will take more time).

The name choosing is feeling impossible. (Of course we had a ready girl name that we’ve had saved for almost four years). So for now I’m just giving myself permission to walk through the process. I’m taking out baby boy clothes and taking inventory (my son was a March baby, this one will be the end of September). I’ve even started purging and giving away little girl’s clothes for the first time. There have been moments of sadness, but also comfort about passing on some of my favorite items and joy at the thought of seeing a favorite dress float by in church or at the park.

I know that when he arrives I will be happy and hopefully by then he will have a name.

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5 thoughts on “Reluctantly Team Blue: Five Minute Friday

  1. Thanks for honestly sharing your feelings. I can really relate to what you are saying. Please don’t burden yourself further with useless guilt. (I’m preaching to myself here!l lol.)

    I laugh because when I was in high school, I used to babysit for a family that had 3 boys who ran me ragged. I always said I would NEVER have 3 boys. Well, now I have FOUR boys! I also have 4 girls. Yep, 8 kids altogether in our home.

    Of the oldest 4, 3 are boys. My eldest daughter was the only girl in our family and even among the cousins for a long time. She came to us for the ultrasound of baby #4 and cried when they told us he would be a boy. Eventually, she got sisters and a girl cousin too! Now she is a teenager and such a wonderful friend and mentor to her 3 young sisters. They are far apart in age, but close in heart.

    God is great at putting together families in all sorts of ways, even when it doesn’t turn out like we had hoped or planned. And He’s also great at knitting our hearts together with our children even on the hard days. I pray for a safe and healthy pregnancy for you and your sweet son.

    Blessings,
    Elizabeth

    http://www.blessedbeyondthemess.com

  2. Oh yes, the blues can come even before the baby arrives. So we just learn to trust God don’t we? When things don’t turn out the way we had hoped, planned and pleaded, we still have the trust that God works it all out for our good. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you.

    1. It can be so hard to get used to God’s ways not being like ours can’t it? I keep thinking of all the things about having a girl that would have been more convenient, but I know it will work out. I think part of why I’m talking about it more is that I know women are often made to feel so guilty for feelings that are, at least initially, out of our control. As a friend of mine put it, “You are grieving the loss of the plan you had for your family. It’s OK to give yourself time for that.”

  3. bethany, i can totally relate to your comment. unfortunately, i didn’t get to find out b/f the delivery what the sex of my baby was but i was confident my #3 was a boy. i was shocked that our “boy” was our #3 girl! i had so talked myself into the fact that this HAD to be a boy. a host of other factors added up to put me in a position of probably experiencing more depression after that birth than was necessary.

    i felt disappointed that she was a girl and disappointed with myself for being disappointed! she was a beautiful, healthy baby. our first daughter was stillborn but 2 more healthy daughters had lulled me into that feeling that GOD owed me more…my preferred sex, not just a healthy baby.

    on top of #3’s birth came a move back to the US after 7 years of living in JA with many close friends, to 2 years of unemployment for my husband along with countless rejections for jobs that at times were devastating.

    our living situation for the children was very pleasant. for them, it wasn’t a difficult time at all! but for us…another story!

    give yourself time to adjust to this new situation…you will. and you will find yourself to be very excited over his birth:)

    also remember, he will have a different personality than your other son. just b/c they are boys doesn’t mean they will be alike! take them one at a time. in our family, my brother had a very sweet temperament…much sweeter than my sister or me!

    you just don’t know what GOD is bringing you:) it could be a wonderful sweet gift:)

    1. I’m definitely glad I found out in advance. It’s allowing me to take the time to get over my disappointment. You are right, he could have a very different personality. (Though I can’t count on it, my first two are pretty much the same personality in spite of being different genders. My son is my daughter’s personality plus testosterone. Of course he’s also three, which probably doesn’t help.)

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