After the last year of feeling like I was finally getting a handle on life again, my husband and I decided to have another baby. When we made that decision, I knew I’d be giving up a lot of what I had done to build a life for myself, in addition to my primary role as mom and wife. I’d worked hard to build my blog, even building a small affiliate income that had become a semi-necessary stop-gap against unexpected expenses in a stretched tight budget. I was finally finding a rhythm in homeschooling my daughter and we had even joined a homeschool co-op. When we found out we were pregnant, I was ecstatic and then the morning sickness hit.
Strike that, it came like a tsunami and tore up my life and expectations. This is my fourth pregnancy and I thought I knew what to expect. Yes, I’d be tired. I would need to make sure I got plenty of rest. Eat every few hours to avoid nausea, balance my proteins and carbs to help prevent another round of gestational diabetes. But that wasn’t what happened. After spotting, bleeding and an emergency ultrasound, baby was Ok, but I most definitely was not. I squeaked through my last week or two of free -lancing for my old job, including two very long days putting our biggest event of the year together and then I collapsed, both physically and emotionally. I was so sick I could barely eat. I rarely showered or got out of my pajamas. My kids made due with cold cereal, PBJ and fruit. I lived on goldfish crackers and after a while, not even those. After two weeks, and a positive ultrasound, I decided I needed help, so my doctor prescribed medication. I felt defeated, but I was desperate. At least now I could eat, though I was still living primarily on Ensure and pretzels, but at least I was eating a regular meal or two each day.
All my grand goals of a fit pregnancy where I would be active, eat healthy and continue to move along at my usual rate, was gone. Right now I just want to survive the first trimester and hope for an easing of symptoms in the second. I want to get back onto a more diabetes friendly diet (all the sugar in those Ensures makes me cringe every time) but I also know that EATING period is my priority right now. I’ll have to deal with the rest later.
It’s been very hard to set aside ongoing projects. My blog has been quiet with me not even having enough energy to type most of the time. My thoughts come in hazy bursts between exhaustion and nausea.
But this is the season I’m in. It won’t last forever. Lamenting it and blaming myself doesn’t make it any easier to cope. I have no control over how my body is handling the rush of hormones this time around (or the fact that I was in maternity clothes at 10 weeks because none of my normal pants would close). This is just where I’m at and I need to accept it. It does not make me weak or a failure. Accepting that has actually made all of this easier. Yes, the guilt is still there. When my overworked husband comes home exhausted and then makes dinner, cleans up the house and puts in the kids to bed. When my kids watch more TV in a week than they usually do in a month. But I just keep telling myself, this will pass.